My office phone chirps.

“Mike, line one is for you.”

Well, OK, who the heck is it? I’m busy up here checking scores, I mean stories, on the Internet.

“The U.S. Justice Department.”

Gulp.

Hello?

“Scharnow, we got you now. You’re dead meat.”

Uh, hello? What do you mean?

“You’ve been secretly under investigation for months now. We got all your e-mails. We saw your texts. We’ve been tracking your movements in and out of that Laser Drive office. Your phone line? Tapped. Your cell phone? You might as well have been calling our office directly. All your phone records? We got ‘em all.”

Uh, hello? Why would you be doing that?

“You are joking, are you not? We’ve been aggressively investigating all those classified leaks by government officials and your name keeps coming up over and over…

“We’ve already filed six leak-related criminal cases under the Espionage Act since President Obama took office, more than all other administrations combined, and we’re looking to file more.”

Ummmm, what exactly did you find? I don’t work for Fox News, and how would I even know the area code and prefix assigned to the White House? I don’t even know the initials for the Associated Press. I just print all those anti-Obama letters – I don’t write them.

“Oh, nice try, Scharnow. What about all those calls to Dunkin Donuts before the Fountain Hills store closed?”

I, I, I was just calling to see what their daily specials were.

“Guess you didn’t go there enough, did you, since they closed shop. We think you had a secret source there who was leaking sensitive national defense information to you. Does Larry Latte ring a bell?”

Gulp.

“And what about all those trips you make to that Starbucks over there in the Target center? Does your employer even know how many times you sneak over there in a day? Too bad they don’t monitor you like your government is monitoring you.”

But, but, I just like going over there to look cool and use my iPhone with the Starbucks app on it at the counter. I’m addicted to caffeine and I can’t help it. There is no law against that. Is there?”

“That is not going to cut it, Scharnow. We have your Starbucks records. Seems as if you’ve switched your pastry affiliation since Dunkin Donuts closed.”

Wait a minute, you can’t do that. I’m not an unindicted co-conspirator in some alleged crime involving high level national security leakage.

“Oh, you have plenty of leakage Scharnow, and it’s all around your middle. You’re too fat and your too pasty white. Your neighbors are complaining when you go out to the pool. It’s our responsibility to investigate these things and follow-up on them.”

So now that makes me part of the Donut Hole investigation? I have powdered sugar on my mustache and I’m guilty by association?

“Straighten out, Scharnow, or else we’re going to make you cover the Jodi Arias trial.”

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!