In 1729 Jonathan Swift published his “Modest Proposal” to solve the “Irish problem.” Wealthy English with Irish land holdings were starving the impoverished Irish peasants.  Swift wanted to shock the English to address the Irish problem. 

Swift’s “Modest Proposal” was for Irish parents to sell their children. The children would be used as basic ingredients in recipes to feed rich English landholders. Several recipes were suggested. 

Most understood the satire in Swift’s proposal. Some thought he was serious and were appalled. A few thought he was serious and agreed.

I have a “modest proposal” for our town. Fountain Hills has a public school problem. Voters have rejected two school infrastructure bonds. Voters don’t support quality public schools. Voters don’t care about our public school students. Like the Irish children, Fountain Hills’ public school students have become “expendable commodities.” 

I modestly propose that Fountain Hills become a senior citizens-only town. School-age residents are not welcome. Those who currently reside here must be encouraged to leave. Fountain Hills should become the East Valley version of Sun City West. 

We must shutter our public schools and sell them before they further deteriorate. Until we can drive all of the families with children out of town, parents of school-age residents will receive vouchers to send their children to other schools – Scottsdale, Tempe and Mesa are convenient.

For the short term, we need a school tax to pay for Fountain Hills students using other schools. School taxes will end when there are no Fountain Hills schools and no Fountain Hills school-age residents. We will become what a majority of voters want Fountain Hills to be – a closed, no-school-tax community of elderly, frugal residents. 

Please consider this “modest proposal” to save our town.

Disclaimer: No students were harmed or consumed in presenting this proposal.