I remember the day vividly, like it happened just in the past couple of weeks.
It was sometime in 1991, maybe 1992, and the sound was deafening at first, making those of us in the neighborhood rush outside to see what the heck was going on.
Several black helicopters swooped in and landed right in front of my house. The strange-looking G-men wearing black suits zapped everyone else who was standing outside.
Everyone but me.
Then came an intense seven-hour exploratory surgery, various probes, brain implantation and water boarding techniques to get me to crack.
They told me, “Scharnow, you are chairman of the Parks and Recreation Commission. We want you to propose that a series of trails be established in some local washes. These trails already exist in the form of dirt roads and utility access easements.
“These trails would be awesome for hiking, nature walks, connectivity and biking…
“But enough about common sense and the environment. No, this is part of our plan to take over the world. And you, Scharnow, are the key to our success.”
Sadly, some folks took hold of this idea and created all kinds of falsehoods. A wash ordinance was passed, effectively blocking many of these simple and harmless ideas. “The people had spoken,” but they really didn’t know what they were speaking on.
I had failed on my mission. I never heard again from the guys in black suits. I was looking forward to running a few countries as part of my reward, but alas it’s not meant to be.
But now I’m finding out these same guys must have visited former Town Manager Rick Davis when he was in charge of Town Hall a while back. I thought I sniffed the exhaust of black helicopters one day when I was at the nearby Community Center, but it must have been just wishful thinking.
The men in black must have told the town manager at the time: “Davis, that guy Scharnow failed. We couldn’t use trails in washes to create our kingdom of servitude and mindless zombies. But you are now the guy. You and our new idea, something known as urban trails.”
Seems our former manager proposed a series of “urban trails” be designated in town on existing sidewalks and the like. Just a bunch of nice-looking signs, really. An opportunity to get out and walk. Ride a leisurely bike maybe. Enjoy the great outdoors. Encourage health and fitness without spending billions.
No federal grant money has been used for this first urban trail, which will be dedicated Saturday (I personally plan to be in my underground bomb shelter during the ceremony, as I anticipate all kinds of acid rain acronyms to fall from the skies – UN, ICLEI, NGOs, EPA, DOT, DOD, FIT, ICMA, PARANOIA.
I thought life as we knew it was going to end after the residential trash hauling contract with Republic Services was approved by the town a few years ago, but I had to come out of my bomb shelter then, too.
Guess it’s time to party the night away like it’s 1999 – at least until Saturday – because that’s when the world ends and the urban trail takeover begins.
